To start I had physical therapy this morning with Dr. Jen. After the last session before the holidays which left me crippled and barely able to walk and flared up in pain beyond belief for almost two weeks, I was actually starting to feel a little bit of an improvement. Well…that’s the point of PT right? Just the last couple of days I have noticed less straining to pee.
So today when I saw Dr. Jen, I told her what happened. And she said maybe we should take it easy. But I told her I’d rather push a bit harder now because I still have off of school for two weeks and I want to see more improvement by then. So we pushed and she said I handled a lot more pain today, much better than last time. Although she was doing some manual trigger points internally and at one point she pressed a muscle and it hurt so badly, I almost threw up. Wow, it was just so intensely painful.
On a less painful note, I recently got a book called The Chronic Illness Workbook: Strategies and Solutions for Taking Back Your Life. Written by Patricia A. Fennell, MSW, LCSW-R.
Fennell discusses the four phases of a chronic illness (pg 37-38). It reminds me of the phases of grief in a way (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) Although outside of these phases there is a huge grief cycle that people with chronic illnesses go through. And I am no different. Here are the phases that Fennell describes:
Phase one: Crisis
This phase is characterized by crisis and chaos. And seeking relief of pain and hurt.
Task: you and your support system are to deal with the immediate hurts or traumas of your new illness
Phase two: Stabilization
This is a plateau of symptoms and they become more familiar. You start to think that maybe you’re getting a little better but still continue to experience chaos. You keep trying to behave as you did before you got sick and this attempt frequently leads to relapses. These are very upsetting and feel like a personal failure.
Task: Begin to stabilize and restructure your life patterns and perceptions
Phase three: Resolution
By this point, you have learned how your illness behaves and how the world responds to it. You’ve also finally learned that you can’t be the person that you used to be before you got ill. This can be a devastating perception.
Task: Develop a new, authentic self and to begin to locate a personally meaningful philosophy to live by.
Phase four: Integration
You are now able to integrate part of your old self from before the illness with the person you are now.
Task: Continue to find ways to express your new “personal best” to reintegrate or form new supportive networks of family and friends. In total integration, you arrive at a new, whole, complete life, of which illness is only one part, even if it is an important part.
I think I am somewhere between phases two and three. I’m just starting to realize that I can’t behave the same way I did before IC. I am in the process of learning that I can’t be the person that I used to be before IC. I don’t think that the phases are static, they seem fluid and it would be easy to take one step forward and then two steps back.
Working with DeafBlind people was my entire reason for being. It was my passion, my motivation and my goal for years. I worked for two different organizations part time as a freelance Support Service Provider with DeafBlind clients. And I volunteered on the Board of a DeafBlind organization for 3 years called Metro Washington Association of the DeafBlind (MWADB). These jobs were everything to me. I went to Gallaudet University (the only Deaf liberal arts university in the world) and got my BA in Deaf Studies with a focus on DeafBlind. I always said the Deaf Community is my home but the DeafBlind Community is my passion. And it gave me drive. But that changed. My health changed that. I am now in grad school to be a social worker, and I am hoping to specialize in working with DeafBlind people. But the issue is that working with DeafBlind people is all encompassing. Even though there are such a variety of communication methods, working with DeafBlind people is a give it all kind of job. It’s mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting and that was one reason I always found it so rewarding. However, my body and my health disagree. My body can no longer handle to constant tactile signing or guiding people. My body can no longer handle how mentally exhausting it is to describe the environment to the best of my ability.
When I could no longer give 110%, I knew I could no longer do these jobs. I had to resign…this just happened in the last week. And it has shattered my heart into thousands of pieces. I have met such amazing people in the DeafBlind community. And of course, I will still talk to them. But I was planning the long game in the DeafBlind community. That was my entire future. And now I am unsure if that is a reasonable goal. I have to take care of myself first. #selfcare
So yes…I am trying to take care of myself. I promise. I am solely focusing on grad school when this next semester starts.